Letters to al Qaida

Races for the Senate, U.S. House, etc. and other issues of national importance.
The Tolerator
Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 847
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2007 3:16 pm

Letters to al Qaida

Postby The Tolerator » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:05 am

Dear al Qaida,

With your help, we have finally done it! We have been successful in scheduling the American surrender from the war in Iraq. We couldnâ??t have done it without you and the news organizations.

If you guys can hang in there until March 31st of next year at noon Greenwich Mean Time, you will be in power. However, it is very important that you continue to fight the good fight. Senator Murtha specifically asked me to let you know that we cannot let the American people think that you are going to lay low until we surrender. It is imperative that no one figure out DNC/al-Qaida alliance.

Furthermore, our work to fully gain control of America are on schedule. In an effort to ensure that in the future you will not need to touch a female world leader, we are doing all we can to make certain that a woman is not elected as our next President, and I hope that you noticed the nod to you and all our friends in the Middle East as we get behind a candidate with Hussein for a middle name.

Soon we will rule the world! Power! Power! Power!

Assalamu Alaikum truly,

Senator Harry Reid

Ned Flanders
Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 15146
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2001 2:48 pm

Postby Ned Flanders » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:29 am

Perhaps the Dims could also email them a PowerPoint presentation outlining key dates and times for withdrawl, troop movements etc. I find this to be helpful with my clients when we're working on a complicated project. It helps keep everyone on the same page.

Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 2367
Joined: Mon May 07, 2001 1:09 pm
Location: Albuquerque, NM

Re: Letters to al Qaida

Postby buckyor » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:31 am

The Tolerator wrote:Dear al Qaida,

I love you with all my heart. Thank you for everything you've done for me and my political party the past 6 years. Your generosity will not be forgotten.

With Love,

The Trollerator

Why do you hate America?

Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 862
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:53 am

Postby nutria » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:36 am

Aww, this must truly be a terrible day for democracy loving neocons, what with Congress enacting the will of the American people. I feel bad for you, I really do. Here, as a sign of concilliation, I'll give a completely off-topic reference to Bill Clinton's penis.

Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 2751
Joined: Mon Jul 21, 2003 3:24 pm

Postby juanton » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:38 am

Ned Flanders wrote:Perhaps the Dims could also email them a PowerPoint presentation outlining key dates and times for withdrawl, troop movements etc. I find this to be helpful with my clients when we're working on a complicated project. It helps keep everyone on the same page.

What Powerpoint template did the republicans use when they were describing the Katrina response? The water drop background?

Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 6044
Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2001 10:51 am
Location: New York, NY

Postby Daisy » Wed Mar 28, 2007 10:01 am

Dear Osama,

Can I call you "Stretch?" Heh-heh...

OK! But seriouser. You know the biggest political success I had in my first term is when y'all, you know....did that thing in New York. I wouldn't have been reelectioned without it. It was so cool. When the dust settled and the grownups let me go visit, I got to yell into a bullhorn!!


Stretch, you know I'm not really mad, right? I mean, Jew York is full of Democrats and queers, so it's not like you went after actual "Americans" anyway. I'm proud to have the same take on gays as your boys in the Taliban.

But here's the thing, Stretch. I hate to do the political equivalent of bumming a smoke, but you think you could do that agin? My numbers are dropping like a Tri-Delt's panties, and even my own party's looking at me like the skunk at a garden party. Pretty soon, even Fox viewers will be able to tell the difference between Saudi Arabia and Iraq, and now there's all these scandals breathin' down my neck.


Can't you, you know, make something go "boom!" in West Hollywood and kill some more queer liberals? That would be so awesome!! It would scare the shit out of the public and send my numbers back up into the Hoover range.

They'd let me have by bullhorn back. And Karl has already picked out some cool camera angles on the Sunset Strip. Big banner where the House of Blues is smoldering in the background, saying "THIS is why we're in Iraq!"

It'll rock! And it'll keep us in Iraq - and off your ass - even longer. It's a win-win, Stretch!

Pretty please?

The Decider

Mike S.
Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 1358
Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2004 6:34 pm

Postby Mike S. » Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:30 am

Dear Usama,

I hope that the new accommodations are to your liking. I deeply regret the need for you to leave the palace in Pakistan, but shooting 360-degree video of the local topography really isn't the "low profile" we agreed on. I've had the Homeland Security department working overtime trying to keep the press from printing X-marks-the-spot maps. On the plus side, your accommodations in Dubai will allow you to work directly with Halliburton to coordinate the growth of Al Qaeda in Iraq. You'll be able to liason directly with civilian interrogators to keep an eye on Ba'athist loyalists and those untrustworthy Sh'ia types, while fanning the fires of Islamist fanatacism. I promise you, the once secular fanatic Iraq is still on course to be a Sharia state under your hand-picked people by 2010.

Our last telephone conversation ended a little unfortunately, and I just want to assure you that our Administration remains in control and at your disposal. Please remember that we went the extra mile to bring all your relatives safely back to Saudi Arabia when no American was permitted to fly. We had every last uniformed man out of Saudi Arabia by the deadline we agreed on, and we have not hindered you from persuading our civilians to leave, even though that wasn't strictly part of the deal. You knew when you signed onto this operation that your international fame would come with some awkward moments, but I trust that the regular payments we've been making to your account are more than worth the inconveniences. To this day my intelligence people still believe that I've ordered the payments to prevent a second attack rather than to reward the first one.

On other news, I'm pleased to say that our Afghani heroin trade is running smoothly. Our only problem is a glut of production - we produced over 30% more than the world consumed last year and the press keeps wondering where the rest went. The CIA does a good job of concealing the flights, but there's no reliable way to store or dispose of so much product. I am considering having the DEA mount an all-out herbicide spraying campaign to reduce production ten or twenty percent. Do you think that's a good idea?

Where work is concerned, I'd like you to start thinking about what we can do to make your life better. I'll admit - we have been having a few ruffled feathers domestically, and the odds of passing 2008 without military intervention are looking worse all the time. That idiot Bush can't put three words together with any reliability. We may need another more drastic attack to explain the measures that we need to take. Of course, I understand that it will take some persuading to get your help, but we will reward you greatly, and your fame will shine out forever.


Dick Cheney

Michael Patrick
Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 4262
Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 8:56 am
Location: Around here somewhere

Postby Michael Patrick » Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:45 am

Dear al Qaeda,

After all our Dear Leader has done for you, where was our October surprise?


The members of the Former Majority
Party in the House and Senate

Forum God/Goddess
Posts: 7095
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2001 10:28 pm
Location: At one with time and space

Postby Marvell » Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:53 am

Michael Patrick wrote:Dear al Qaeda,

After all our Dear Leader has done for you, where was our October surprise?


The members of the Former Majority
Party in the House and Senate

That was the surprise - that there was no surprise.

I'm sure Bush was the most surprised of all.

But one might appreciate the irony of an administration whose hallmark has been a complete absence of scruple, conscience or loyalty being stabbed in the back by its collaborators.

Return to “National Politics & Government”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot], Yahoo [Bot] and 4 guests