Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

If it's news, but not politics, then it goes here.

I Think Shark Attacks Are More Important To America Than...

Missing white women
4
14%
Tom Cruise's views on the history of psychiatry
6
21%
Freedom
6
21%
God... and The Bible... and stuff...
5
17%
Gay Marriage and Flag Burning Amendments COMBINED!
8
28%
 
Total votes: 29

Prof. Wagstaff
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Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

Postby Prof. Wagstaff » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:10 pm

What can Americans do to curb the recent "wave" (that's funny on so many levels) of shark attacks?
Shouldn't we be outraged?
Shouldn't we be allocating funds to stop this dreaded killer?
What if it had been your kid?
Shouldn't we take this fight to the sharks, instead of waiting offshore for their inevitable attacks?
Did you know that most liberals are shark-lovers? They actually want to protect these swimming evils!
Why are the news networks devoting less than most of their newscasts to these horrific events?
When will the Federal Government provide us with a clear-cut shark policy, detailing both what to do in case of a shark attack (should I keep some duct tape in my swimming trunks, just in case?) and what plans they have for a swift victory over these fishy fiends?

THE SHARKS HAVE MADE THEIR INTENTIONS CLEAR! WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES!

minicat
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Postby minicat » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:15 pm

Is there any way the sharks can eat some Republicans in government and godbangers?

That would make me more interested in the story.

Madcity Expat
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Re: Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

Postby Madcity Expat » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:15 pm

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:(should I keep some duct tape in my swimming trunks, just in case?)


You mean you don't keep duct tape in your shorts?

GenieU
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Postby GenieU » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:19 pm

"Don't go messin with sharks
stay out of the ocean, baby
Don't go messin with sharks
stay out of the sea..." -Way off the Horse

meowzamusic
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Postby meowzamusic » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:32 pm

Seriously folks, go rent Deep Blue
You can thank me later....

Dulouz
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Re: Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

Postby Dulouz » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:38 pm

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:When will the Federal Government provide us with a clear-cut shark policy, detailing both what to do in case of a shark attack (should I keep some duct tape in my swimming trunks, just in case?) and what plans they have for a swift victory over these fishy fiends?


Sorry, but the sharks just don't have the type of oil we need. . . they are kind of like N. Korea . . .

Prof. Wagstaff
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Re: Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

Postby Prof. Wagstaff » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:44 pm

Dulouz wrote:Sorry, but the sharks just don't have the type of oil we need. . . they are kind of like N. Korea . . .

How can you even compare the two?
The sharks are biting off innocent people's limbs and then broadcasting it for the world to see!

I suppose you're one of those "Blame America Firsters" who thinks we have it coming for polluting the oceans, disturbing their homes with our boat traffic and cutting off their fins for soup. It's not the same. They are attacking our children. They should be treated as enemy combatants and shipped to Sea World-Cuba.

supaunknown
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Postby supaunknown » Wed Jun 29, 2005 12:45 pm

Bouncing Souls
"Shark Attack"

Hey whats up?
Im having My friends over for dinner
Who you having over for dinner?
The Bouncing Souls
The Bouncing Souls?
Yeah the Bouncing Souls
Those fucking New Jersey moochers?
They�re not moochers
Yes they are they only go on tours so they can eat other people�s food don�t you know that?
I�m just making them dinner
Well you better lock your god damn freezer I�ll tell you right now
They don�t want anything in our freezer
They�re scum I tell you right now they�re homeless people
There not homeless they play in a band they played in France
That�s the same thing!
Shark attack! shark attack! Quarter Pounders
and Big Macs shark attack! shark attack!
when we eat steaks our heads roll back.
Bouncing Souls are on your block first
we eat then we rock close your windows
lock your doors we like food better when it's yours.
Feeding frenzy at your mom's just sit still
and stay calm it's too late you let us in
let the eating games begin! Shark attack!
See I told you they�d eat every god damn thing in the house!
Sorry! I hate the Bouncing Souls
There�s no chicken or biscuits they ate all the Yoo-hoo
Sorry!
What the hell were you thinking?
Sorry!
Don�t ever invite them back!
Sorry!
Are you a moron?
Sorry!
Oh shit they�re coming back!
No!!!!
(screams)
feeding frenzy in the street drinking beer
and eating meat when were hungry watch
your back as we plan our next attack...Shark Attack!

Marge
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Re: Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

Postby Marge » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:17 pm

Prof. Wagstaff wrote: They are attacking our children.

Think of the children!
Won't somebody Please think of the children!

minicat
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Postby minicat » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:21 pm

I am a shark, and I think children are yummy. Especially with a nice red wine.

Dulouz
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Postby Dulouz » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:23 pm

I think these shark "attacks" seem a little fishy to me. Is it really just a coincident that the children were [italic][bold]in the water[/bold][/italic] when the "attack" occured? Why haven't there been any shark attacks on shore if they are really a threat? How do we know that the kids didn't just slip into the shark's mouth? Or maybe they were pushed by parents who need to distract the family away from their poor handling of the household's economy? We don't even know if there really are teeth of mass destruction--what if these are dolphins (cia operatives) posing as sharks?

Michael Patrick
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Re: Why Aren't We Talking About Shark Attacks?

Postby Michael Patrick » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:32 pm

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:What can Americans do to curb the recent "wave" (that's funny on so many levels) of shark attacks?


It just goes to show that we can't protect our borders. Maybe we can get some of those goons that went down to Arizona to vacation in Florida.

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:Shouldn't we be outraged?


We are! We assumed we were at the top of the food chain. We're Americans, goddamn it!

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:Shouldn't we be allocating funds to stop this dreaded killer?


Isn't Tom Delay set to head back to the private sector? Isn't his background in pest control?

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:What if it had been your kid?!


I'd sue Jeb Bush.

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:Shouldn't we take this fight to the sharks, instead of waiting offshore for their inevitable attacks?


Do armored humvees float?

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:Did you know that most liberals are shark-lovers? They actually want to protect these swimming evils!


I always knew they hated America. I bet the guy in the shark suit in Jaws was French.

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:Why are the news networks devoting less than most of their newscasts to these horrific events?


Because they hate America. Can you say "liberal media?"

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:When will the Federal Government provide us with a clear-cut shark policy, detailing both what to do in case of a shark attack (should I keep some duct tape in my swimming trunks, just in case?) and what plans they have for a swift victory over these fishy fiends?


As soon as they are done with the post-Saddam-toppling plan for Iraq....

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:THE SHARKS HAVE MADE THEIR INTENTIONS CLEAR! WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES!


Is it still legal to own a harpoon? It's only a matter of time before they show up in Lake Mendota...

Prof. Wagstaff
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Postby Prof. Wagstaff » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:51 pm

minicat wrote:I am a shark, and I think children are yummy. Especially with a nice red wine.

Working on a new song?
I like it.

Dulouz wrote:Is it really just a coincident that the children were in the water when the "attack" occured?

I heard the CIA is saving landsharks specifically to unleash on the ghettos.
Dulouz wrote:How do we know that the kids didn't just slip into the shark's mouth?

Well, that just sounds like nutty conspiracy talk...

Michael Patrick wrote:Is it still legal to own a harpoon?

Not if those damn liberal environmentalist lefty nutjobs get their way!

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Postby csm » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:52 pm

I live in the midwest. Screw the coastal dwellers. I hope the sharks eat 'em all up. Munch, munch.

Ned Flanders
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Postby Ned Flanders » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:58 pm

umm. Telegram...

Image

ahhh. Candygram...

Image


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