Beaver wrote:Is there any good solution to the squirrel problem
If you had been paying attention for the past decade, you'd have all kinds of great ideas for solutions.
(1) Declare war on the robins in some other part of town.
Some might say this makes no sense, since your condo was actually attacked by squirrels not robins, and they came from the trees in your back yard not from Westmorland Park or whatever. Ignore those naysayers, and focus on cultivating your image as a bold leader who will keep your condo safe.
(2) Make everyone entering your condo remove their shoes, belt, cellphone, nail-clippers, water bottle, laptop, etc. and subject 5% of them to a pat-down or strip search.
It may not stop the squirrels, but at least you can say you're doing something
about the problem.
(3) If you happen to be running for president of your condo's association
, encourage your followers to start a whispering campaign alleging that your opponent was (a) born in an oak tree, (b) raised by squirrels in Indonesia, and (c) a follower of a radical pro-squirrel pastor.
(4) Go into some low-income neighborhood and offer a bounty for anyone who catches a live squirrel and turns it over to you
. Lock up the prisoners in solitary confinement, subject them to sleep deprivation and waterboarding, and threaten to kill their family members ... unless they confess to being in league with the squirrels who attacked your condo.
(5) If you have a general idea about what part of town the squirrels are coming from, you could fly over Madison at 50,000 feet and drop lots of explosives on that neighborhood
. Collateral damage is unfortunate, of course, but anyone who objects really ought to be blaming the squirrels.
(6) Regardless of what the problem is that you're trying to solve, additional tax breaks for the wealthy are always a good solution
(7) Keep the real estate bubble growing
. As long as prices are soaring, developers will keep building more condos, and you can keep trading up to fancier and more expensive turf. You'll be too busy selling your old condo, buying the next one, and filling out endless mortgage paperwork to notice that every condo you visit is slowly being nibbled to pieces by squirrels.
(8) Build a giant fence along the Illinois border
. This won't actually do anything about Madison's squirrel problem, but you can get lots of good press for standing tall against the dirty South-of-the-Border Squirrel Menace. (Consider getting the city council to pass a law requiring rodents to show their papers, or speak English only, when stopped inside city limits.)
(9) Campaign for an amendment to the state's constitution banning same-sex marriage
. If anyone questions this, explain that the problem with squirrels invading peoples' condos is just a symptom of the breakdown of the traditional family.
(10) While busily working on items one through nine above, be sure not to actually do anything constructive about the real problem of squirrels in your condo
. It is vitally important that you bluster and pose for the media, but make sure that responsibility for actually solving the problem is pushed off on future generations. If a competing faction manages to win the trust of your condo association, make sure you leave them as big a mess as possible, then stymie their efforts to deal with the problem at every turn, and finally accuse them of both (a) failing to solve the squirrel problem that you left them, and (b) trampling on your freedom.
I hope this helps.