Sheppy's Out of Town

What are the things that puzzle, enrage, delight and tickle you as you go about your life in Madison?
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Sheppy's Out of Town

Postby Sheppy » Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:34 pm


As everyone knows by now I've been out of pocket the last few weeks. I know there's been a lot of chatter on this forum and other places in cyberspace about what became of ol' Shep after The Unpleasentness a few weeks ago. Now I'm not gonna lie a lot of crazy shit came together at the same time. I don't really have time right now to go into what happened in any great detail, but basically the result of the last theee weeks of Shep's life is threefold: 1. I lost my condo. 2. Laura left. and 3. I am no longer living in Madison.

Right now I am residing on a pig farm in Iowa, right outside Laura's hometown of Oskaloosa. Laura's parents are too old to work the farm and they thought in retrospect of some of the shit lately that it would be a good idea for ol' Shep to come out and pitch in. So for the last three weeks I have been walking around hip deep in shit cleaning up after and feeding thousands of hogs. Yes, that's right, shitfucks, Sheppy has gone country.

Now, having lived in the heart of a major American metropolis for most of my life, I am about as disconnected from the agricultural lifestyle as one can get. I had never even seen a live pig, let alone fed one or cleaned up after one, but here I am reponsible for a whole flock. The first few days were pretty rough as I slowly realized that the constant pungent overriding aroma of pure shit wasn't going away and would from now on become part the backdrop of my everyday life.

Now, I don't know how long I'm going to be here in Oskaloosa, but despite the overall blandness and opressive banality of this simple place, there are some good things about it. Having bested my competitors for the better half of my life in the cut-throat world of the big city, I now found myself able to relax a little bit, now that I don't have to think as hard about my next move or what somebody's angle is. While the plebians that inhabit this bucolic hellscape are simple minded and barely literate, I can always log on to the internet for this and other websites where I can interact with people up to my caliber of intellect.

It's not all bad, of course, but we are talking about Oskaloosa fucking Iowa here. Here a "latte" means some sugary foamy milk ejected out of machine at the truck stop. The latest "ethnic" restaurant is likely to be the Chinese buffet that opened in a strip mall on the south edge of town. Half the residents of the town avoid it due to the fact it's too "exotic" for their tastes. The only real newspaper available is the Des Moines Register, which of course has one third of the intellectual depth and investigative prowress of the large urban newspapers I have come to rely on.

So I'm here. I'm trying to make the best of it. But mark my words. I will make it back to Madison soon.

Last edited by Sheppy on Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Henry Vilas
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Postby Henry Vilas » Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:38 pm

Got tired of your beenthere persona? Welcome back (well, kinda).

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Re: Sheppy's Out of Town

Postby Marvell » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:14 pm

Sheppy wrote: The only real newspaper available is the Des Moines Register, which of course has one third of the intellectual depth and investigative prowress of the large urban newspapers I have come to rely on.


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Postby Paco » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:19 pm

hauling pig shit?
I'd like to say you're overqualified, but....

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Postby jjoyce » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:26 pm

Sheppy's post is, of course, a hugh jass LIE!

I saw him just the other night at Macy's trying to talk the clerk down on the price of a pair of forest green cords. She wasn't budging from $7.97, and they were Ralph Lauren Chaps, so what are you gonna do, right?

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Postby meowzamusic » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:00 am

Shep, you're only about 10 miles from Ottumwa, you could go down and do some meth with Radar O'Reiley

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Postby Oprah » Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:35 am

May I have your Dalai Lama tickets?

Regarding your situation, remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

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Postby Bwis53 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:22 am

Oh, I was kinda missin' his Madisonia bragadocio!

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Postby Sheppy » Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:53 am

What a morning. I just got in from the barn, finally. These hogs are fucking smart. I was woken up at 4am by Laura's brother in law and we spent the next five hours chasing down these rascally little fuckers who had managed to find a way to escape. I mean welcome to Iowa, Cletus, the land where the pigs outsmart the people and are in charge. The pigs are in charge of this fucking place. I swear every single day I have had to hunt down at least one of these wiley hogs. And they know when you're after them. They don't seem to understand who is the superior species here.

I don't know what to do and I'm at wits end. Laura's brother in law suggested using a GPS device with some kind of collar on each animal so as to make them easier to track down when they escape. What does he think this is, the fucking CIA? Dumb hick.

I see I'm missing the Dalai Lama. Fuck.

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