Monzie wrote: Let's not invite Paco, though. He's cranky.
Paco's not cranky (unless an establishment runs out of beer). He's local. And realistic.
Look at what you posted, though. You said:
Plus, we're really spoiled and a bit too picky.
With an attitude like that, how can you avoid being disappointed with anyplace you pick to dine in and around town?
European traditions of dining are not evident in the U.S. Or at least in our little portion of it. And the closest you can get is....well....close. With that in mind, it will never reach your expectations.